Wednesday, February 15, 2012

what did I thought? no! just keep calm, everything will be okay

I almost losted my control. What did I plan? no, nothing bad will happen to me. I have to just KEEP FORWARD!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

안녕하세요! 여러분...
Today I feel anxiety because of being disorganized for my life, then I just remembered that I could change my anxiety to an excitement, then I read a post about it in a blog,

Now what I think about my messiness and challenges is an excitement! It was also taught in medical lectures that adrenaline hormone functions for fight or flight, whether it is in danger or in exciting conditions...
Let's try to change our anxiety to be an excitement. It is more effective than taking a therapeutic drug for it!

source : and medical lectures I attended

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

yesterday I tried to cut my jugular vein

Yesterday, I tried to cut my jugular vein. I knew it would draw more blood faster from my body than the common method of cutting the radial vein that will not do anything to my life except risking to damage my nerves instead..

It was my second time of serious suicide efforts I did. Previously, I often hold a broken mirror and the other times a knife....but these were just ended with failure

I was unlucky--or maybe lucky, I don't know,, unintentiously the surgical blade I hold scratched my finger. I was very afraid when it dripped so much blood, but I waited it, I wanted to know how fast a little vein would drip a blood...for comparing it with my jugular vein, if I continued to cut my jugular vein then...

The bleeding rate was so fast, that I feel my hands are trembling and becoming cooler.

finally, my yesterday-effort to suicide was aborted, yes, I failed to empty my blood from my body again..

But at least I could get a positive side effect, that I could go to my campus with a gauze full of blood covering my finger and my neck to take some attention from my friends,, and to let them know that I tried to suicide, and I needed help,,, although I did not mention why I got that wound...They would know by taking into consideration the location of my wound--my neck where my jugular vein is quite superficial to it...

Monday, February 6, 2012

it's all alright, it's alright

it's alright... it's alright

give it to me

it's alright, it's alright

what you've done is alrigt, everything, every mistakes you have done

hold on,
every body hurts, every body hurts sometimes
hold on, hold on

when you think you are alone, it is not.
hold on, hold on,

when the world does not go on your way, don't be mad to it.
it is just because of my personality that goes bad and good sometimes.
sometimes, my performance get down, sometimes good. it's alright

we are living in the world where unexpected bad things happen, it's alright

don't be too concerned to it now, the new day will come. the day with new chances is waiting for us

just wait, hold on, your day will come to you

these meanings of 3 songs I was listening to awaken me. it's alright when you did a mistake. hold on, it's not only you who suffer everythings in life, it's only because of your performace get bad sometimes, godd things will happen soon, just wait and keep going

these are the modified-brief summaries of "Give It to Me" by Korean band 2PM, "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M., and "Mr, Simple" by SuJu.

in Give it to me, I ignore the true meaning. Just try to listen to it without taking into consideration the translation in english, just make your own translation, whatever you want.. : when listening to "it's alright part", I felt it's alright for my mistakes, just keep going, "give it to me", and I will solve your problems... this is the meaning I imagine myself


Interest Conflict : nothing to declare
note : I am not advertising the songs nor advising anyone to get the pirated songs

posted in and

how a worthless creature I am

I was useless

all I'm doing were wrong

disappearing from this world was what I wanted

disappeared for ever

without a trace

being forgotten by all those

all those who had insulted me, either because of my own fault, or because they are always so

but how to be dissappeared?

I knew if I went through on this--my life, then I can not deny the sadness which will come to me

I failed
I know

whatever I did, to fix all, did not work

I knew suicide is not the way out, I've been trying to change

those people - those who succeed and prosper and  and never had a shattered life as me told me about all the misfortunes and failures are the result of my own fault, so I changed myself, I changed my appearance,  my personality, changed everything I can... and maybe people think that I have changed my religion ...., whatever they think, I did not care, I was doing an effort!  I had this dull feeling, so I could felt confident that my change would bring a difference to the fate. allpeople do not recognize me now, when met, they asked if I was someone new in therehowever, what happened then? they treated me the same as treating the way they used to treat "ME" (who I was before) 

the only way is to disappear from this world forever, but it is impossible
all what had been done will require accountability, and the situation now, I would be punished. Besides, the people and the world that made ​​me fail no matter, will not feel happy or sad when discovering I have been dead, theylooked on me only as a spoiled  trash, not the main antagonist. How pity I was! They did not care of my existence, but when they faced me, they treat me as a trash. but if I go back (to life), then the failure is waiting for me, even is being going on to me now.

after all, my feelings have been blunted,
I would REVENGE to all, people, fate, and the world that had decided by theirown will that I failed. This revenge, will not be in any bad way. I'm going to take revenge. I will be the most powerful people in this world, in the field I can master it. They are going to feel being humiliated by themselves when they see me succeed, even without me doing anything directly to them. I'll be able to change their wickedness, with my power I'll gain.


posted in my and