Tuesday, February 7, 2012

yesterday I tried to cut my jugular vein

Yesterday, I tried to cut my jugular vein. I knew it would draw more blood faster from my body than the common method of cutting the radial vein that will not do anything to my life except risking to damage my nerves instead..

It was my second time of serious suicide efforts I did. Previously, I often hold a broken mirror and the other times a knife....but these were just ended with failure


I was unlucky--or maybe lucky, I don't know,, unintentiously the surgical blade I hold scratched my finger. I was very afraid when it dripped so much blood, but I waited it, I wanted to know how fast a little vein would drip a blood...for comparing it with my jugular vein, if I continued to cut my jugular vein then...

The bleeding rate was so fast, that I feel my hands are trembling and becoming cooler.


finally, my yesterday-effort to suicide was aborted, yes, I failed to empty my blood from my body again..

But at least I could get a positive side effect, that I could go to my campus with a gauze full of blood covering my finger and my neck to take some attention from my friends,, and to let them know that I tried to suicide, and I needed help,,, although I did not mention why I got that wound...They would know by taking into consideration the location of my wound--my neck where my jugular vein is quite superficial to it...

51 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I need to know the shaarpest knife to cut my jugular vein

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    2. WTF!... yes i have harmed as well, yes ive attempted and failed, yes id say there was no hope... but I never gave up...Please dont try again... I'll do what i can... if you want you can email me..
      My name is...Rikki, im turning 16 this month... email me at....:
      trikki1024@gmail.com
      I WILL BE THERE FOR YOU nohope...Always...

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  2. Adding to Anonymous, go wider. If you can catch your carotid, you should be out like a light. Also use a superior blade. Can't go wrong with the classic straight razor. That's my plan, but I'll let you use it without hassle ;).

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    1. I just recently tried this^ with a havalon Piranta edge skinning knife (google it). I stabbed all the way into the left side of my neck (almost into the back of my neck) and just ripped down past my throat. I cut half my throat open, my exterior jugular, and all kinds of muscles and nerves.. When i started bleeding out i got that nice warm, pins and needles, then cold feeling so i just flopped my head back so the wound would be WIDE open. WELL... Apparently i miraculously missed the interior jugular and carotid (DIRECTLY in the cut path). I fell asleep for 6 fucking hours and woke up... My fiance was next to me (she tried as well, but didn't get NEARLY as deep) and alive as well...

      How the fuck we survived, i will never know. In fact, i still think that I died and i'm experiencing some kinda final dying hallucination or something.

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    2. you stupid suicidal fucks don't even think past the attention you want.. What if you actually went into shock and passed out, like i did? what if you woke up after somehow surviving, and didn't know if you were dead or not? do you have ANY FUCKING CLUE how much it fucks with your head, surviving such a seemingly sure-shot attempt? hmm??

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    3. Yep. I calculated the lethal dose according to my weight of all the medications I had at home, took a few extra just to be sure and sculled them all down with water.
      I am still here.
      The first words I uttered upon awakening were "Fuck I can't believe I failed.. again."

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  3. I'm glad that you could get some positive effect. Please don't die; you deserve to live and to get the support you want. :)
    A hug for you; hang in there.

    And that's coming from someone who found this blog entry by searching "how to cut the jugular vein".

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  4. Please seek help. I was at the edge and in the dark but now I'm preparing for my marathon. You just need to get help and seek purpose. There is always a way to live life. I told myself this, if I were to not want to live, why not commit this life to others, to divinity, to something. Look around you. Suffering exist. And there is a way out. Look for it. Even if you didn't find it, at least you know you have spend those years purposefully. Hang on there.

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    1. just so you know.. when someone is genuinely considering taking their own life ands then read your post, it is by far the most repulsive and pretentious thing you could read. A. we are talking to ppl that want to die... not ever (in this life or the next) do we want to listen to you smear our face in the fact hat u are running a marathon while we are praying to have something make us stop breathing. what the hell. B. you suggest that we commit our lives to divinity... what an original thought. please next time you get on a blog for ppl that are genuinely considering ending their lives. take a few minutes to read what you wrote and try not to be so self righteous. On a more Libra -note... thank you for your effort, even if it is not a very good one.

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    2. ^ Kill yourself Anonymous...seriously..

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  5. Um... attention seeker much. Go see a counselor or go swimming or something.

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    1. if we're attention seekers then why do we hide our scars? You don't understand so unless u do then don't say anything .

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    2. Did you honestly just suggest to go "swimming"???? I hope you have children with emotional problems... that has to be the only thing worse than actually wanting to die... having a child that wants to die. you are a terrible human

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    3. If you all weren't attention seekers then why are you posting your failed stories on the internet?? TO GET ATTENTION! Now take your little emo, attention seeking asses somewhere else.

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  6. Tried to do the same thing. Sat under a tree in the backyard so I'd bleed onto the ground. Tried four or five passes with my favorite kitchen knife but didn't really feel anything but a bit of pain. Clearly wasn't working. left and tried to find a gun to buy. Failed. Left suicide notes; wife called the cops. Committed for a week. Now my life is total shambles. Neck was sore for a couple of days with relatively superficial cuts. I'm not going to try this again but I keep hoping I die in my sleep.

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    1. i wonder do you love your wife? why would you want to leave her alone in this big world?

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  7. Lee has a really good response, living for others (helping them etc) occupies your mind and hopefully you'll start to feel good about yourself. "An idle mind is the devils play ground". You need to find purpose, without purpose no one would exist. Depression sucks balls, I had it for seven years, still comes and goes, but at least now I have a lot of good times too, got to ride the waves. Seek help and devote yourself to getting better, you have to want and try to get better before any help will help you. Confront your fears and step out of your comfort zone. I feel like a bit of a hypocrite saying that, but I'm doing it little bit by little bit and it is paying dividends. Having a job that you like and that you get satisfaction from, is a really good start to beating depression, after all, we are at work for like 70% of our awake lives. Hope you get better, depression is an illness and it needs to be treated.

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  8. I intend to slit my own jugular vein. I have had enough of this horrid life. I am without hope and to me living without hope is living death.

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  9. Oh geez. I was searching "jugular vein" for completely different reasons and found this instead.

    My heart hurts for those of you who don't see a light.

    Don't go. None of you. Please don't go. I can't imagine how hard everyday is for you all but I know that the pain, the hole you'll leave behind will be greater than you can imagine.

    Please get help.

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    1. ya indeed .......... but only to the ones to whom your existence is a good deal, or else you are just a burden ... nothing else
      Who in the society cares for your existence and how you exist.
      wether u get what u deserve is again a question 'others' dont want to answer coz that will mean parting with your own share in cake, and nobody ever dares to confess - i will not give it !
      what do u do then - live on beggary. world is overpopulated so let the scraps have 'Euthanasia' cum suicide !

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  10. The will to live is always stronger then the will to die. Think about the people around you, you are a son/daughter, a neighbor, a teachers student at one point or another, a grandchild...your always going to be connected to someone. Please get help. I dont know who you are or what you are going through but there is always someone. God doesn't slam a door in your face without opening a box of girl scout cookies. I've been there trust me.

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  11. EVERYONE. there is a reason we were born, and there is a reason we die. we have to wait our turn. life is what you make it and theres nothing you can do that you cant fix. I pray for all of you in need to kill yourself. I just hope you rethink it and realize there is a lot to live for. WAIT YOUR TURN. God bless

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    1. Hail lucifer our lord

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  12. i want to die.i tried 3 or 4 times.but failed.but today again i'm going to try out.now i need some sleeping pills.my loneliness killing my.i'm fed up of my life.i lost my dreams and i'm looser...........somebody help me to die.

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    1. take it and goo ......... losing dream is like turning your brain a mere 'mechanical' part of your body which gets input from other, makes you work for other and output for you is null !!
      may u RIP

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  13. People, if you want to die please do it with dignity and die in war !!!!

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    1. The comment section of this blogpost is riddled with atrocious garbage painted as supposedly helpful advice, mixed in with self-righteous claims, and sociopathic dismissal of individuals who are struggling with suicidal thoughts. Having said that, this comment here takes the cake -- anon, you are a certifiable cunt.

      Because what's more dignified than joining a nationalistic cause which disassociates soldiers from the issues "necessitating" their role in combat, so that they can die as fatally unaware pawns for the mechanism known as the military industrial complex? Literally fucking everything you unstable schmuck.

      There is nothing dignified about utilizing human beings as cannon fodder in order to gain influence, and repurpose resources in areas which previously belonged to the dead men at whom the armies of demagogues decided to point their gun barrels while dreaming about the spoils of war. You should be ashamed of yourself.

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    2. What about a war fighting the nazi military industrial complex? Maybe head out and join the ones from Donesk ;)

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  14. i don't know what to do I've tried praying tried putting my feelings on paper i just feel like no one will understand if i even try to get my feelings out i dont know how to get out this world i'm scared of cutting my wrist and failing becuz if i do it i want it to be done and over and not having to be recovered.what the hell do i do.

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    1. i empathize with u ....i dont want to live in this fucked up world ...i wish i would get some cyanide ..

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  15. What the actual fuck did I find searching for a hockey accident my friend told me about... I hope all the people who wrote on here are still around... Suicide is a horrible thing and the people who do it are so stupid. They think that they are all alone in the world and what they are going through is too bad, but they don't even begin to understand. Most people don't realize the effect suicide has on the people around them. they think none will miss them. They are so wrong. There will alwyas be someone who crys them self to sleep because someone they loved did something so stupid and shortsighted as kill themselves. If you really truly want to kill yourself you need to stop and think. If you have a horrid situation at home, get help. there are hundreds of ways to get help and to get yourself out of the situation you are in. I've heard all kinds of horror stories of the things that humans can do to each other, abuse, rape, bullying, but if you are in a situation like this there are more ways to get out than suicide. It can be as simple as telling a friend or someone with authority, like a teacher or someone like that. And for the people who think they are worthless, think again, there is not one person on this planet that is completely worthless or a burden to someone else. Everyone has something they can contribute to the planet, even if it is just giving a simple smile. All of this is coming from someone who knows the aftermath of a suicide. I have had a friend commit suicide before, thinking that he is alone and that no one would care anyway. He could have not been more wrong. On that day you couldn't walk in the halls of my school without seeing tears, and I myself have begun crying writing this. My father has tried to commit suicide 4 times before, failing each time. He believes that me and my brothers and sisters would be better off without him. He could not be more wrong. I have no idea what i'd do without him. And to everyone who is thinking about suicide: There is someone else out there that cares about you, even though you don't know it. That is my message to everyone out there that thinks committing suicide is a good idea.

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    1. Dear god what a wall of text I just vented.... Click my name to get help.

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  16. My brothers body was found on Wednesday, February 26, 2014 after being missing for 4 days. He took his life. He suffered for 29 years from depression. Had been getting worse and worse for last 10 years and severely worse for last 5 yrs. He was far from "stupid" and wwqs not abused, bullied or raped. He knew a lot of people loved and cared about him. He sought out more than those hundreds of ways to get help that you really know nothing about. Just spent 5 months in 4 facilities for that help you talk about. You obviously have no real clue how dark and hopeless someone with real, deep, serious and untreatable depression and a few other mental diagnosises feels. So many meds tried over the years. So many different Drs. sought out,so many family members and friends trying to help and no positive response. He loved the Lord and God heard lots of real prayers. My loving brother was not stupid, he was sick. Please don't "act stupid" and call sick people names. I hope your dad gets better.

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  17. Wow some of these people are dead now. How i wish i could join them.

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  18. I disagree with all of you...thise whi want to kill them selves and thise who think they are idiots for wanting it. I wanted to die many times... i was holding a knife and glass in my hand so many times i cant count it. I was crying so much in those periods... i felt alone, misunderstud, tortured by my own toughts and insecurities, many times i felt like i deserved it because im a horrible person. I would think a lot how people around me would feel and i felt like no one but my mom would miss me... to this day i still think this... but then i tought what if i failed and survived? Ill be supervised like a rat in a cage... i got so scared of surviving that i didnt even attempt to kill myself wich is a paradox but... i fell into a dark void for 3 weeks... i felt dead, i felt like my soul has died, i didnt think,i wasnt sad or happy, i had no needs i was just existing... dont kbow in wich conversation to myself i made myself believe that i died and got a new chance...but i changed my life conpletly after 3 weeks of void... no its not a success story... im saying i traveled to another side of the pkanet and my inly reason for everyrhing i do that is crazy or misunderstood is that once i had a courage to ebd it all and i will again so when everything fails and there are no options to drasticly change things i can always just die. So what in saying is.. i wont judge anyone here for wanting to die but do something memorable before you decide to take your life away....do whatever you want, something nice that people will remeber... and exactly that might make you realise you dont have to die now. Also i hope everyone is reading this...dont make other people kill themselves... do what you want to yourselves but dont ruin others to make yourself feel better. Also a lot of people whi wabt to kill themselves never tell others,never post online and bevee seek opinions...and i know cauae i knew i few suicidals (r.i.p) ...and im thinking i wish they did...maybe theh would still be alive today....

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    1. Sorry for typos english is not my first language and i hate touch screen

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  19. I like what you said, lots of people don't ever tell people. Some don't tell, cause they don't want to be stereotyped as wanting attention. Sure they want love but who wants to beg to be loved back. If you ask for love, that's not love. Years ago I started a book on suicide. Never finished cause of depression. But suicide seems to be so misunderstood. So many want love and don't feel they have it or feel only one will miss them and some feel the ones that won't are the ones they live for. A person at a suicide point, feels like things will never get better, maybe they've turned to God as the persons brother above has done and maybe they just feel overwhelmed in their feelings. I feel bad for all who wanted to ever commit suicide, there is some who want to and there is some who want just attention. That don't put us all there wanting attention. But one thing I think all suicidal people share is the desire for something better, for a change. Even if that change is just a healed disease of depression. People telling others they just want attention don't help them. It makes it harder cause they want and need love and don't feel they have it. "Glad you called" is a song I thought of not long ago.We just never know when a person that comes to mind is somebody who need a us to just reach out and say hey, thought about you and wanted to call. People who are suicidal lots often think of people and just wish they'd tell them hey I was just thinking about you. But when they dont, that can be life or death in a suicidal persons life. So when you do have others cross ur mind, don't just ignore it and assume they have all they need. Maybe they dont. Maybe they feel they have nobody or that they sure wish you'd care, so text, call, email, something and let them know you csre, cause it could be a persons life at stake. Lots of people die and everybody says I had no idea they were even sad. That's often cause people haven't tried to know that person and their deep feelibgs. Usually a person don't wake up from a happy life suicidal. It's a process Year of whatever, and then they are pushed to the edge and don't know what else to do to stop the pain and it gets too much. It's not for attention, but lack of love they feel. In this world of distance brought on lots by technology and families that are broken cause their family was broken and back stabbing friends, people's hearts are breaking and nobody even realizes it.

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  20. Part 1:
    If you think you have real reasons to end your life read my story. I don’t know anyone that has more reasons to end their life than I do and I’m still here. (Though I must admit I don’t know for how long or even if I will be able to hang on but I can only try.)

    As a young man I struggled with depression and thoughts of ending my life since I was a teenager. My counselors have thought that a lot of it stems from being sexually abuse by my male babysitter when I was little and from the physical abuse of my step-father. Somehow I made it through all this and found a life of love and happiness with my wife and 8 children. We were all very close with a very deep love and spiritual life. I had never known anything like it before in my life. But the depression started coming back as I found myself stressed from working 60 hours a week and still barely making it. Then a miracle….we inherited close to a million dollars. I had a plan to generate a permanent cash flow with real estate but never got to implement it due to some errors in judgment. I just knew I was going to fail as my childhood programming told me I would. As I turned a million dollars into a financial disaster, I could see I was losing it all. The feeling that I was unlovable returned and it seemed like I was trying to prove it as you will see later. This contributed to my depression, which eventually led to taking antidepressants.

    I began taking Effexor in July 2007 and was soon up to 300mg a day (4 times the usual recommended dose.) I was on it for 4 years. When I stopped taking it I felt like I woke up from a coma and everyone around me immediately noticed a huge change in me like my personality came alive.

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  22. Part 2:

    However, it was too late. While on Effexor, I began acting out with violence and in many ways that were out of character for me. I didn't know (until recently) that SSRI's could do this to people. Andrea Yates who drowned her 5 children was on the same medication I was. (Scary) I have read many stories like this on www.SSRIstories.com. One of my friends sent me copies of bizarre emails from this time period because I don’t remember sending them. (Just to show me how wacked out on the medications I really was.) I also remember making plans to kill 3 people and myself before I was arrested. I committed a sex offense called GSI (Gross Sexual Imposition) which is essentially inappropriate illegal touching. It's hard for me to explain my mentality at the time because I don't understand it myself. All this is consistent with the effects of SSRI’s. Everything from that time is very foggy in my head. I remember my 4 year old daughter was persistently curious as kids naturally are. A couple of times, that curiosity led to something unimaginably horrifying. One time I remember Mom sending her up to wake me. Upon waking me she poked me on my underwear and asked me "what's this?". And there was some touching. I did not plan or seek and I am in no way interested in kids sexually. I am also not saying it was her fault as I was the adult. Somehow it never occurred to me that I could get in trouble for this as evidenced by the fact that I did not tell her to keep it a secret or anything like that. Of course she innocently said something to Mommy. I confessed to the police but my attorney later said I would’ve have gotten a lot less time if I hadn't confessed. But I still feel it was the right thing to do. I also remember sitting in the Police station feeling surprised that I could get in trouble for what I did. I didn't understand how I could not have realized that. I kept thinking what is wrong with me. (Dr. Breggin explains a lot of this while outlining the effects of SSRI’s on his website.) After all these years I have finally found some of the answers in my research but it’s too late now. I never did anything wrong in my life and was a very good father until I was on this medication and now that I am off it I am horrified and ashamed of what I have done. I still can’t fathom how I was capable of doing these things. And now I will forever have these labels and I have lost everything in my life. Why? Because I trusted a fricken doctor and a medication to help me. And while I have been told by several slimy lawyers that I have a case no one will take it because they all want the easy case. I have some friends who have stuck by me but most did not. A lot say they forgive me but no longer act like friends so you can figure it out. My ex-wife won’t even talk to me so she hasn’t seen the 57 pages of clinical data on SSRI’s that show what they did to me.

    My last counselor had a patient on the exact same medication who did the exact same thing I did. I learned a lot about SSRIs on www.Breggin.com. Even though the evidence is out there I know some people won't believe me which makes all this even harder. Dr. Breggin spoke with me on the phone and told that he believes that I am not responsible for what I did while on the Effexor. He views it as involuntary intoxication because I did not realize what the drug was doing to me. But I still feel responsible and I can't stop thinking about it. I hate what I did. I hate myself for doing it. I don't understand how I could have been capable of doing this. And there’s no relief or release from these thoughts.

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  23. Part 3: (The end)

    To make it worse, the administration of my church doesn’t want me there but my friends do. The administration did nothing about the man who threatened me at church. I have been banned from playing my guitar in our prayer group because of my case even though the prayer group wants me to play. I know the Lord forgives me but I can’t and don’t know if I ever will be able to. I feel like I deserve to suffer and die and go to hell. I don’t think there is any price high enough for the things I did. That is why I am struggling to survive and have attempted to end my life. I sat in my running car for an hour and twenty minutes with a vacuum hose connected from the exhaust to the interior. (Somehow, a friend happened to call me and managed to talk me out of it.- I often wish he hadn’t.) I was in the hospital 3 times last year including 2 major surgeries ending with open heart bypass surgery. I have multiple physical problems that I can’t seem to get help with. The things that happened to me in prison have emotionally scarred me for life. I still have nightmares 3 years after getting out. I am consumed with how horrible a person people must think I am. As I walk through a grocery store I wonder what each person would think if they knew what a horrible person I am. I spend every holiday alone and often doubt that I am capable of being a productive member of society again. I see families in stores and I see movies and shows that show people having normal loving relationships and I wonder if I’ll ever have that again. I ask God where he was when I was little and the times I needed him. Yet I know He is here for me even if I am sometimes angry at Him. I see and feel the pain and suffering in the world and it haunts me. I just want the pain to stop. Sometimes I think I would be doing my kids a favor by ending my life so they won’t have to face the shame of a father like me. The way things are going it’s always possible that I try it again and if I do I know that I won’t fail again. Some days I believe I can make it others days I don’t see any hope but I am still here hanging on by a thread every day. Jesus is all I have and I only hope I can make it.

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  24. thank you for not killing yourselves

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  25. I not suicidal but I have to cut my vein. Because asking for help any other way wouldnt work out.

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  26. I tried I failed but now I kno yaweh amen

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  27. I've not had thoughts around the big S in years. But recently they've started creeping up. I spent my late teens and early 20's battling them. I'm now 30.

    I have some sort of issue with romantic relationships. I've never been in a relationship. I have to pay prostitutes for intimacy. Women, for whatever reason (I'm short and not great looking) don't look like. This is getting me incredibly sad.

    I also have a wider problem of having no friends. It bums me out when I meet people and they ask where I'v been on holiday. I've not been anywhere as I have no friends. Every significant birthday (18, 21, 30) has been spent alone .I try and ignore the feeling of isolation but it's getting harder the older I get.

    I saw a beautiful woman on the train with self harm scars all down her upper arm. I've never seriously self harmed but have punched and shallow cut myself once. It always bums me out when I see that because I think in my head that you are beautiful why hate on yourself.

    I continue to pay prositutes for cuddles. This makes me hate myself even more because most of the hookers I see don't want to cuddle. The questionable reasons those women enter the profession also make me want to beat the shit out of myself for being such a vile individual.

    The warmth of I receive from hookers is the sole reason I don't do the deed. Without that I'd be completely isolated and could not bear it.

    Loneliness sucks, I hope there comes a day where I don't spend ever weekend thinking how much better it would be if I ceased to exist.

    On the positive I am watching Say Anything. Great film! And i obviously want to cuddle the brunette.

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  28. im so sorry mom..... i love you,,but tonight is the night

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  29. KIlling yourself can't be that much fun can it? I like to workout, read science books, and play videogames. It's actually pretty fun. That's all I live for. I can't imagine that trying to find a way to kill yourself is something that is fun. Why not try to make some money and buy some stuff and have fun? This is a serious post, and I'm being as open as possible.

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  30. I cannot imagine what the bulk of you go through on a daily basis but here is a piece of advice from someone who has experience watching a friend take their own life.

    We will all get to the same place in due time, why rush it?

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  31. I ll die as early as possible bcose even god hate me

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